What You Don't Know
by scrivania
Summary: FINALLY COMPLETE! Very intense and angsty! zack is suffering from depression and deals with it...badly. zackXmaddie
1. Chapter 1

**What You Don't Know..**

No one would ever notice, right? I mean, I'm the confident twin. Cody was the smart sensitive one. It would be alright if he cried.

Like at dad's funeral last year, Cody was bawling his eyes out, and his gorgeous girlfriend, (who is sixteen, of _course_ he gets the older girl, even if it is by just a year) comforted him. And mom cried on my shoulder. So I had to be_ strong_ for her and Cody, it was almost if I wasn't allowed to show any weakness, even if I didn't feel strong in reality.

I always hid behind my fake confidence, putting Cody down so I could feel better about myself. But by the time I was almost fourteen, that wasn't enough. It was if I couldn't control my hands when they took a razor blade to my wrists. The cuts weren't deep enough to kill me- that's not what I wanted to do. I just wanted to relieve my pain. But of course, no one noticed, I kept my guard up, acted the same, and wore long-sleeved shirts with the same sarcastic remarks written across them.

Now it's just a habit. When I'm stressed out, or feeling depressed, I head right towards the bathroom. Cody is still naïve that nobody, especially me, would do something like that. It would just break mom's heart if she found out that her confident cocky son isn't as secure as she thought. That's why they can't know.

And I've made out with lots of girls, but even that can't compare with my razor. And plus, it's always been about Maddie. I don't know why I'm stuck on her, I mean, I'm just a lowly frosh and she's a senior…but there's something about her. She usually cheers me up, until I see her making out with her jock asshole boyfriend during her break. She doesn't know that I secretly like her- maybe love her, still.

Also, you know, they say drugs are overrated. But trust me, it really isn't. To feel that high, like you are invincible for once, and that nothing can go wrong… it's the best. Sometimes I forget that dad is dead, and that I'm a failure in everything that matters in life. I can forget my own fucking insecurities and I can forget my razor.

I don't know what I want from life, what I want to do with my life. I don't like the past, but I'm even more scared of the future. And failing—I don't try at life because, what if I can't do it, what if I mess up? It's easier to block the situation, bottle up my feelings, and continue to survive. I like to pretend that just surviving as an empty shell is better than real life, and strangely enough, I believe myself.

It's not what you would expect is it? To see my wrists littered with scars, but you know, that's life—and that's how I cope with it.

**REVIEW! I originally was going to make this a one shot... but now I have quite a few ideas to go on with the story. So tell me what you think!**

**Oh, and I think this is pretty different from all the other TSL stories since they never show Zack being the insecure one, do you guys like that or not? I can only know this if you guys REVIEW! **

**love you all. **


	2. Chapter 2

**This story, as of now, will have about 5-6 chapters, but probably more. I'm still working on how this fic is gonna end. Well, here's...**

**Chapter Two**

I was in the hotel lobby doing my homework on one of the couches that night. This served two purposes- to get away from Cody who couldn't stop talking about Gloria, his girlfriend who apparently gave the best blow jobs ( I guess having an older girl friend pays off), how he got an A on a huge report, and how he even got on the soccer team after all his hard practice, he was actually coordinated (at least in this one sport).

So why am I, Zack- the guy with the same DNA structure as my perfect brother Cody, so depressed? I bet I made myself this way. My fascination with razors will just lead me more into the path to destruction. I paused with my thoughts to watch Maddie at the at the candy counter, staring at her legs (the second reason I was doing homework at the hotel lobby). I watched her look at her watch to see the time, and sigh. I knew that she was waiting for her boyfriend Jake to arrive, but this was the third time he's been late. Here was my chance. I stood up to talk to her.

"Jake's not here. For the third time this week." Maddie looked up at me.

"Yeah...I know. I can't believe that you noticed that. But not only that, my friend Tanya said that she saw him with his ex, but I thought that she was just saying that because she's still mad at me for going out with Jake to begin with since we both liked him. I didn't want to believe her... but.. I don't know now."

It was pretty obvious to me, Jake was cheating on Maddie, and she needed to get over it. "You need to get over it Maddie."

"I'm sorry I'm dumping all my problems on you, it's just that... you're here."

"And I'm willing to listen; you know that I've always liked you. Jake was just using you to get some ass, and (although you do have quite a nice one) I think he got enough and just...is dumping you."

"But- I thought we had something! I thought we had chemistry and genuinely liked me for me!" Her eyes were filling up with tears.

"Come on Maddie, let's go take a walk." I said, but she looked doubtful for a second.

"Well... alright."

We headed out of the hotel into the dark, until a couple blocks later we sat down at a bench lit by a streetlight. Maddie was silent the whole time tears streaming down her face, probably thinking about her beloved Jake.

Suddenly, "Thank you so much for being here Zack. And for understanding my problems."

I shrugged as to say, "I don't mind" but Maddie reached over and gave me a hug, one that she apparently needed.

She looked at my face, and next thing I know, she's leaning in towards me, and her lips touch mine. At first, I'm really surprised, but a few seconds later, I recover, knowing this was my chance to finally be with Maddie- so Fuck off Jake, Maddie Fitzpatrick is all mine now.

We were still kissing a few minutes later, a lot more intensely now, and I start to move my hands from around her waist to more...upwards... before I remember that we're on a damn public bench and we shouldn't be doing that here. But she was now sort of on my lap, so I didn't really complain too much. Finally, when we were both out of breath, she pulled away.

"I really should head home now, thanks again Zack."

I grinned at her, her lip-gloss still all over my lips and said, "No problem."

I watched Maddie hail a taxi, and I turned and headed back to the hotel, knowing that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on homework.

So when I go to the hotel, I grabbed my books from the lobby couch, still grinning, and unlocked the door, to see Cody watching the Discovery channel like the geek he really was. He looked up at me.

"Nice lip-gloss Zack," he said sarcastically.

"Thanks" I said. But then I added with a smirk, "It's Maddie's."

Cody sat up. "Maddie? As in the girl you've lusted after for...years? Maddie Fitzpatrick?"

"The one and only. And I didn't just lust after her, I actually have liked her this entire time. Not just because she's hott."

Cody looked at me strange. "Really... and I thought you would never say that. And actually mean it."

"Well I do."

"Aren't you gonna wipe the lip-gloss off your face?"

"Not until I need to, it still tastes like Maddie" I was grinning again, and headed for the door to our bedroom. I don't even think I would get out my razor myself that night, all thanks to Maddie Fitzpatrick. Maybe my cutting days were over.

**A/N: Yes, I know, totally different from the first chapter. But this chapter is supposed to be. Next chapter will be more angsty, I promise. And one of these upcoming chapters... one character will find out about his cuts. **

**Sorry it's so short, but the next chapter will be longer **

**Well, it would be much appreciated to tell me how I did, so REVIEW!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: fanfiction had a bug or virus or whatever, and I couldn't submit any new chapters! I am soooo sorry! This is the second time this has happened, and I'm kinda annoyed. **

**Chapter Three**

I felt my blood run cold from the shock of it all. All I did was come down to the empty lobby to go buy a candy bar from Maddie, and perhaps ask her out properly, and then maybe kiss her senseless… but someone got there first.

Jake was there now, apparently they made up. I wonder what excuse he fed Maddie; it must've been really good for her to believe it. Or maybe she just wanted to believe it. The girl is probably freaking in love with him.

When Jake pressed his body against Maddie's against the candy counter, I cleared my throat loudly. The sickening couple finally pulled apart, and Maddie turned to see who it was. When she saw me, she blushed slightly, to have been caught.

Jake looked at the time on his cell phone and said, "Gotta go, hott stuff."

Maddie grinned at him, as he left.

I looked at her skeptically. "Hott stuff? That's even worse than my old 'sweet thang'."

"I think it's cute!"

"You didn't when I used to call you sweet thang!"

"Well… you were only 13!"

I angrily changed topics to something more important. "So… I see you and Jake are back together."

"Yeah! Thanks for comforting me yesterday, even though it turns out Jake was in Dallas with his sick grandmother and couldn't call me. You're such a great friend."

Sick grandmother in _Dallas?_ Maddie walked around the counter to give me just a _friendly _hug. But I took a step back, not letting her touch me.

"Friends?" I said shakily. "After last night…just friends… You know what? Fine, I tried to convince myself that you weren't just using me last night, that we had something… but now I know that I was just a rebound. That you really don't give a shit about how I feel."

"Zack…" Maddie said with a small look of hurt in her eyes. "I wasn't using you."

"What would you call it then?" She took a step closer to me, and my heartbeat started to get faster. I hated it.

"I... don't know…"

"You _know _I'm freaking in love with you, you just can't _do_ that to me, I have enough going on in my life right now!"

"Like what?" Maddie sounded slightly concerned… yeah right. She doesn't have to fake it. It's obvious she really doesn't care, as long as she's happy.

"You know what? Forget that. Forget _you." _

I turned away, without the chocolate bar I came down for, and headed to the elevator, as quickly as possible to escape Maddie, with one thing on my mind. I needed my razor.

**A/N: Short? Yes, I know. But please, review anyways. Every review encourages me to update a lot quicker (I'd love to get 10+ reviews). And next chapter… someone finds out about his cutting. **

**Who will it be? Feel free to guess, I bet you won't get it right. :) If you get it right, I'll tell you. **

xoxoKaren


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, you know what bothers me? i have this idea of Zack being all depressed and angsty and stuff and i post my first chapter, and then i look at fanfiction and2 weeks later and there are other stories about an angsty zack. one sounds EXACTLY like the beginning of mine. well anyways, the story. **

**CHAPTER 4**

I ran into the suite. "Mom? Cody?" I called out. No answer. Good. Now I can get straight to work.

I went into the bathroom, and searched for a razor. I found one, so I snapped it in half, and gently took out the fresh sharp blade, and blindly slit my wrist multiple times, ignoring the other scars all over my wrist. The blood spilled out freely, leaking down my arm and onto the floor, reminding me of kool-aid. I switched arms, and did the same thing, but slower, so I could enjoy the sensation better. I loved the feeling, of being in control, watching the blood continuously spill onto the floor. I wanted to let all the blood pour out- it was such a refreshing feeling, so I made a couple more cuts, but then I realized I would probably kill myself if I didn't stop the blood flow, so after a few minutes, I regretfully pressed a black towel (so no one could see any blood stains) to my wrists hard, stinging in pain. Eventually the blood stopped, and I could clean the blood up off the floor.

Suddenly, I felt drained. I always did after I cut myself, because of all the blood loss. Sometimes I feel as if it's the best part, feeling so woozy and tired that I have no choice but go to sleep and forget about my sad life.

And it's even more depressing that my life really isn't that bad. I live in a luxury hotel, I have a mom and brother, and I have friends. But I can't shake the depression… or the habit of slicing open my wrists. I like it too much to stop. I like my friendship with blades, and my interest in blood. Ok, so I'm a little messed up. A lot messed up. Most people cry when they're upset, or even drink, but no, not me. I have to be abnormal. The messed up twin.

I crawled into bed, and passing out almost immediately.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I woke up again, at three in the morning. This was the absolute worst part about cutting. Waking up again, and having it all rush back to you. Not just the most recent thing, but everything- life. The most painful being dad's death and my most recent incident with Maddie.

Normally dad would be the one I could call in the middle of the night, just to ask him a question about relationships, girlfriends, or even just support, or to hear his voice. But he was gone now, and there's nothing I could do to get him back, no matter how many doses of extacy I can take- the 'happy pill', most call it- and I agree.

Waking up again means remembering that I am a screw up and am going no where in life, will never be anyone, and never have a purpose. I can't ever measure up to Cody, even though mom says not to compare myself to him, she does constantly. It causes a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and won't leave, knowing I'll probably die and no one will really notice, since I really am a screw up and everyone knows it.

Suddenly, I sat up in bed, wondering if John was out on Gristol Street tonight. He usually sold extacy cheap enough for me to buy it.

That drug aka the 'happy pill' lets me be _happy _for about 6 hours, its amazing. Of course the after effects I hear aren't the best, but screw that. It's supposed to cause anger, violence, and depression mainly. Um, hello? That's me in a nutshell, so when I first took it I figured I had nothing to lose. Plus, I was going to have to die somehow (probably sooner rather than later), whether it be ODing or accidentally slicing open an artery.

Without thinking, I was already pulling on my jeans, and sneaking out of the suite so I wouldn't wake Cody or mom. But in the lobby, I ran into someone I didn't expect.

Moseby. He was organizing the welcome desk and looked up when he heard me. He walked over to talk to me, with a suspicious look on his face.

"Zack? What are you doing going out this late? _Three o'clock in the morning?_ Does your mother know?"

What could I say? If I said yes, he'd know I was lying. "Not exactly…."

"That's what I thought. March right back up to your suite, young man."

I looked at him like he was crazy, and turned to walk towards the exit. He can't control what I do.

He grabbed my wrist, to stop me from leaving. "You aren't going out this late, it's dangerous."

He tightened his grip on my wrist, and I hissed in pain. Normally it wouldn't hurt at all… but the gashes I made in my arms earlier today….

He looked at me curiously when I made a sound of pain, so he loosened his grip and glanced down.

I looked to see what he was looking at. There was blood through my T-shirt. My heart dropped down to my stomach, I was sure it stopped beating, since my breath came to a halt. I closed my eyes for a moment, and when I opened them again, I focused on something to the left of Mr. Moseby's head, slightly dizzy. _He was going to find out about the cuts on my arm. _

"You're bleeding through you're shirt, it must be a bad cut. Let me take a look at it." I tried to pull my arm away from him, but he held on. Mr. Moseby pulled up my sleeve caringly, and I continued to stare, perfectly still, at the object to the left of his head.

I heard him gasp, and I didn't move, with a vacant look on my face. I didn't answer when he asked questioningly and shocked, "Zack?"

As if I would tell him why I did it. I don't think he expected me to, either.

Finally, after a pregnant pause, he said, "you know I'll have to tell your mother."

With that, I broke away from him, and ran out the door into the night. It seemed like I was always running these days. I run away from my problems, I ran away from Maddie, I run away from my family, and I'm running now.

Life was going too fast for me to keep up. I wanted to always stay a kid, I didn't want to live in a world with death, and heartbreak, and expectations of me, and suicide, and depression. I hated how nothing was really wrong with my life, but I made small things into something big, and now look what happened…

Mom will find out about my cutting, and Cody, and then my friends and my life will be even worse…before I knew it I was at the bench that Maddie and I were at two nights ago.

I sat down, and put my head put my head in my hands. I couldn't help it, but I let out a small sob, I couldn't help but… cry. It was all too much to bear in one night.

**A/N: Longer chapter than last time, I really hope you liked it. The chapters will be about this length from now on. I ask just one small_ little_ thing from you…**

**PLEASE REVIEW! Even if it's one word, I'll know that my work is appreciated. **

**And I now figured out exactly what is going to happen in each chapter, and the ending. It's unexpected. **

**review please? **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I don't know if I like this chapter very much, but it had to be written for the plot to move on. Before I can move onto the best part of the story. So please, read and enjoy!**

I kicked the chair impatiently, sitting in a stuffy pyschologist office that smelled strongly of cigars and mints. _"I'll understand. I won't judge you, I deal with cases like yours all the time" _were the fucking psychologist's exact words. And I absolutely loved his look when he read the saying on my shirt. "You say psycho like it's a bad thing." Mom thought it was highly insensitive to wear to a therapist's office. Why do you think I chose it?

It's been five days since Moseby told my mom about the cuts on my wrists. I hated it, the tears, the shock, the _questions of WHY did I do it?_… can't they just leave me alone? At least only mom, Moseby and Cody know. I only have to deal with their sympathetic, frightened stares, and concerned faces when they think I'm looking the other way.

I hate how if I'm in the bathroom for more than two minutes Cody comes and checks on me. Asking if I'm alright, and making sure I'm not slicing open my wrists. Keeping a boy trapped like this is the one thing that will guarantee him into thinking he wished he actually took his life. Confinement, just like some sort of animal.

"So Zachary, have you been on any drugs or drinking?" my _loving _psychologist asked.

I stared at him blankly. He sighed. "Mr. Martin, I know how hard teenage years are, trying to find how you fit in and such, but you shouldn't turn to the party scene."

I looked at him with a pitying look. "Look, _sir_" I said mockingly. "You and I both know that you shouldn't be counseling me. You're too used to cases of mentally insane OCD patients that actually want to talk. Because I'm sure you can relate to weak minded clients such as those."

He made a small note on his clipboard on his desk probably about my rudeness, and I started kicking the legs of his chair noisily again. "So how about this, Mr. Expert. Why don't you tell me about your teenage partying experience?"

"I-well- it's not typical in a therapy session… but…-"

I cut him off. "Never been to one of those parties? I'm not surprised. I haven't either. So I'm sure that I just destroyed your only theory of the cause of my depression and substance abuse. But I have done drugs, to answer your question. By myself. No one to influence me. I found thedrug dealermyself, his name is John, I bought the extacy, and I was all happy and got high by myself."

I smiled shrewdly. "You know, you can't legally tell my mom any of this. It isn't life threatening, I made no claims of doing drugs now. And if you tell her, I can sue you for every penny your life is worth because, although I'm still a minor, this session is confidential."

"So Zackary, how do you feel before every time you cut yourself? What leads you to inflict self harm?" Dr. Brown asked uncomfortably.

Unfortunately for him, I noticed his discomfort of the thought of cutting. "Scared of me? Scared of my cuts? Want to see them?" Before the therapist could answer, I rolled up my sleeves and exposed my forearms, countless scars, scabs, and recent cuts exposed. The man looked away, shifting in his seat. It was too easy.

Lucky for me, I now had leverage against my new psychologist.

Dr Brown continued, obviously disturbed. "So, Zackary, when was the first time you cut?"

I wasn't looking at him anymore, but rather intently at my still exposed wrists, picking at a scab without any attempt to hide it. "Oops! I just made it bleed! I wouldn't want to get any of my cursed blood on your chair! –oh, what did you say Dr. Brown?" I smiled innocently. "Oh, around fourteen years old. Now if that's all—" I stood to leave.

"No! That most certainly is not all! Mr. Martin, sit back down now!"

"Oooh! Dr. Brown puts his foot down! That really is sexy; it turns me on a little! I think I'll masturbate to that tonight!" I winked at him. Just to freak him out.

The therapist gulped uncomfortably. "So, you're confused about your sexuality, Zackary?"

I laughed silently inside, this man was clueless. I could tell him that there's this thing called sarcasm, but pretending and screwing with his brain was just so much fun.

"Confused? No, I know where I stand, I'm 100 homosexual. I love business men, usually in their early 50's. But in this case, I find a certain therapist very cute." I smiled seductively at him. "I hear they're excellent in the sack."

I got carried away with my acting, and suddenly burst into (very fake) tears, and in between sobs I managed to gasp out, "and I don't understand why they don't like me back! I would do anything for them! I think I need a hug! Dr. Brown, give me a hug! And maybe a kiss!"

He nervously checked his watch. "Uh- well!" he said cheerfully. "I think our time is up!"

I stopped fake crying immediately and put on a cold smile. I pointed to a picture of a girl on his desk, being sure to expose my cuts to him. "She's hott. Who's she?"

The therapist looked confused. "She's my neice. But I thought—"

I laughed. "Me? Gay? Fuck no, ass sex makes me sick. Man on man? HELL no."

I heard my mom's voice outside the door. "Zacky? Sweetheart? Is the session over?" The next FREAKING time she calls me sweetheart, I'm going to hurt someone. Lucky for her, it'll probably be me I'm hurting. I grinned cynically, thinking of the cuts on my arms.

Dr. Brown began to speak to my mom. "Carrie? Here's some Prozac for Zackary, an anti-depressant, and a number for a teenage therapist." I smiled bigger. I wouldn't have to see this man ever again. I successfully freaked him out enough to give me to another therapist.

My mom thanked him gratefully, as if he was doing her a favor, and finally, we got to leave the psychology building from hell.

"So? How did it go? Did you work out most of your problems?" She embraced me lovingly. But she didn't get it. One half hour session wouldn't enough to get over depression, not in the least, even if I was willing to talk. If I was willing to share my emotions with a complete stranger, which clearly, I didn't. Who would?

My mom and I arrived back at the Tipton, where Mr. Moseby smiled encouragingly at me. When my mom wasn't looking, I smiled back, before angrily flipping him off, and watching the smile slide off his face with apparent shock. As if he's never been flipped off before. Please.

I opened the door to my bedroom once back into the suite, and Cody was standing, holding a basketball and grinning broadly. "Hey Zack! You want to shoot some hoops?" in a voice clearly rehearsed.

"Hey Cody!" I grinned back. "Move out of my way before I shoot you! You get it? _Shoot_ some hoops, _shoot_ you?" said in the same fake enthusiastic voice, mocking him.

"I get it," he said shortly, before turning away to put the basketball back.

I turned around and left the suite. I couldn't take this today. I went down to the lobby, and on my way out of the hotel again (to find John my faithful drug dealer), I bumped into Maddie, tears streaming down her face.

"Oh Zack! I've been looking anywhere for you! I need to talk to you!"

Fuck it Maddie, I thought. I _cannot_ deal with this right now.

**A/N: I know, this chapter doesn't have a lot of substance to it, but the last two chapters are jam packed with drama and angst and romance. So please put up with this chapter, it was necessary, because it needs to be realistic and show Zack's mental state. **

**But if I get enough review fast enough, I'll post a lot sooner than usual, because I wrote up the last two chapters now. I love them. **

**So PLEASE take a moment to review so I know that this story is appreciated.  **

**xxxKaren **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: We're nearing the end of the story, I'm sorry. But there is still loads more to come! Oh, I'm sorry I took so long to update, I had the chapter written for nearly a month, I just never uploaded it.**

**Chapter Six**

"I've been looking all over for you Zack!" Maddie sobbed.

Fuck it; I _cannot_ take this right now.

"You were right Zack; Jake is a lying, cheating asshole, not worthy of my time!" She tried to hug me.

"So why are you crying?"

"Oh, I'm not even sure," she gasped through sobs. "Oh Zack!"

I pushed her back suddenly, despite how good it felt to hold her. "Look, I'm a rebound to you, I'm not going to put myself into a situation where I'm gonna get hurt yet again, it's not worth it."

"Wait! Zack! I want you, not Jake!"

I snorted. "Right. Because you're crying of happiness that Jake broke up with you."

"Well, no… but I realize now that—hey, when did you get so tall? Taller than me?"

"Almost a year ago," I answered gruffly, resentful that she didn't notice such an obvious thing as height.

"And when did your voice get so deep?" She giggled a bit.

"It's called growing up. I'm not thirteen anymore." I said impatiently.

She looked me up and down and ran a hand down my chest suggestively. "No, you most certainly are not."

I shrugged her off. "Let go of me."

She snatched at my wrist as a last ditch effort to making me stay. "Stop it," I told her. "You're hurting the cuts on my wrists."

"What..?" She asked questioningly.

I, once again, rolled up my sleeves angrily answering. "_These _cuts. But, don't worry, it's okay that you didn't notice this, unlike something as obvious as my _height_. No one noticed about my cuts until a couple days ago. Now fuck off Maddie."

I lumbered out the door, ignoring Maddie's shouts. "Zack, I didn't know! I'm sorry!"

_I'm sure you are, _I thought.

But finally letting go the love of my life, is something I'm pretty sure that I'm NOT sorry about. No matter how much it hurt.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I think Cody and mom made a mistake. They left me in the suite. Alone. With plenty of knives and extacy. True, they didn't know about the drugs (underneath a bunch of socks in my dresser drawer) but they should have known better.

They should have known that constricting me would want me to make me rebel. In fact, I need my blade right now. I quickly located it's hiding spot and set straight to work, pressing firmly on my skin and drawing a solid red line across my wrist, as though with a marker. Ahh, that's better.

Fuck it! They guard me like some little child that's done something wrong. They cringe when I mention the cuts. Just with the thought, I sliced my wrist again. To spite them. Maybe I'll let the blood stay on the ground, I won't clean it up so they can be disgusted by it tomorrow morning when they're happily eating their breakfast and spot the horrible puddle on the nicely cleaned floor.

And you know what? I thought to Cody and mom, and even Moseby. I don't need help. Not from you. Not if your idea of help is smothering me with love and care as if I'm an overemotional abused child that will break if dropped.

Fuck, I thought. I DO need help. I really do. But I won't admit it to them, and I really should clear my head. I turned on Taking Back Sunday on my Ipod, and put it on "Cute without the E" on repeat. That way, when they found me, they'd know. They'd know what went on in my head. I turned the volume up all the way.

But I still couldn't block it out; I still knew that I was in too deep. I was destroying my life. Suddenly, I was beyond pissed off at myself. Why was I destroying myself? Why am I messing up the rest of my life? With the thought, I got a hold of my razor again, and angrily started butchering my wrists, as if punishing myself.

You like that? I thought to myself. You like the feeling of pain? I thought so, you're so pathetic, you can't stand the sight of your own reflection in the mirror, you're scared of your future, _hell_, you HAVE no future.

And suddenly I was crying. Not tears rolling down my face, but full out crying, can't think straight bawling. Where the fuck did mom put that bottle of Prozac? Hell, I needed it, I need to be happy for once. I started up towards the medicine cabinet, throwing out all the bottles that weren't the right one, still in a frenzy. I knew that my cuts were still bleeding, so I left a fair amount of blood… mostly everywhere. I finally stopped crying enough to remember that it was probably still in mom's purse, and sure enough, it was.

I opened the bottle, and thought, Mom thinks I need these pills, does she? So I wonder what she would say if I took all of them, or at least half. I could be cured. I shakily poured a glass of water, and swallowed as many as possible.

And then I sat. For ten minutes, and nothing happened. I was still wallowing in my FUCKING self pity, I was still scared of the future, how I have no hope of being successful. And I'm a FUCKING FAILURE. failure. failure.

What is wrong with me? I take about twenty pills and I'm STILL not happy. In fact, my hatred of my own reflection built up. How could I let myself go like this?

How the hell can I just fail all my classes? How can I just blow off Maddie, the love or my life like that one of the only times she needed me? Why couldn't I just help her again, even though I knew that my heart would be shattered in a million pieces again? Why don't I feel like it's alright to cry in front of anyone, why do I put on a brave front in public? WHY DID DAD HAVE TO DIE? Why did mom send me to a shrink? WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING **FAILURE**? Why did I start cutting? Why did I take extacy?

Well, I knew the answer to the last one. To make me happy. And these fucking Prozac pills don't really work, do they? I was riled- how could they think that a little pill could take all my pain away forever? I flung the bottle of pills against the room, and it hit the wall, white pills shattering everywhere.

Good, I thought. They'll have to clean it up. I'll just watch them and laugh. Because I can't seem to do anything right anymore, I'm always messing something up.

Tears started forming in my eyes but I blinked them back. No, I thought to myself. I cried once tonight, that's more than enough. Instead, I grabbed my razor yet again, and carved my feelings into my flesh in the form of just one word. It felt good, to look at the crimson letters carved into my arms in all capitols.

FAILURE

Somehow, the cut was special, maybe because it was an actual word carved into my arm, maybe because it finally showed what I really am, I don't know. Because that's what I am- a failure, no denying it. I started to feel slightly dizzy, whether from the blood loss or the Prozac pills. Huh, I thought. The pills actually work, imagine that.

But they don't work nearly enough, not to me. I fumbled through my sock drawer and pulled out my trustee Ziploc bag, and took out one of the pills with a smiley face on it. Some of my blood accidentally got on it, dripping from my cuts. I smiled back at it. Why didn't I think of this before? I gulped down three, and stared at my cuts. They really were getting out of hand, staining everything, blood leaking everywhere.

I let out a little giggle; mom and Cody will have a hell of a time cleaning up my mess. They'll be here for hours, cleaning. They should have been here _now_, when I really needed them. Just to stop me from myself.

But Cody is busy being so DAMN successful he has no time for helping me. He's out with Gloria, his amazing girlfriend. I looked at the bulletin board where a picture of the two was pinned up, covering some old pictures of me and him. Well, if THAT'S how it is. I threw down the bulletin board, watching the thumbtacks fly off, some going on his bedspread. I laughed some more. I vaguely knew that something was wrong, very wrong with me, but I was too far gone.

I looked up at Cody's trophy shelf. He had a trophy for practically everything. I looked at my undecorated side of the room, and suddenly, I snatched the trophies, and slowly snapped the shiny gold plastic apart on each of the figurines, and smiled every time I heard a crack of wood. It was such a nice noise, destruction.

Actually, speaking of destruction, I tripped over my own feet, dizzier than ever, the room spinning, in search for my razor again. I managed to make it back to where my razor was, right in a puddle of half dried blood, right where I left my Ipod, still playing "Cute without the E" on repeat. I held the razor once more in my hand, before gracefully, suddenly, collapsing to the floor, not even aware of the blood on the ground soaking through my T-shirt. Only one thought was on my mind, and that was, "_Fuck_."

_And they told me later on_, that's how they found me that night when they opened the door. Destruction everywhere, "Cute without the E" still playing, and me, lying motionless, blood spilling out of my wrists, still holding my razor, faithful to the end.

**A/N: Intense. I know. I wonder, will Zack recover from this with the help of Cody and _Maddie? Hint hint._**

**The more reviews, the faster you'll find out! **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER. I'm sorry to say. But please, since it IS the last chapter, I was kind of hoping that you'd go back and reread the story from the beginning, instead of just seeing how it ends, because you guys probably forgot what the rest of the story was about. The story always seems more complete when you read the ENTIRE thing in one sitting. And it makes the ending have much more of an impact. So, ENJOY! **

**THE LAST CHAPTER**

I was lying in bed, my hair all slicked back in a part. Strangely enough, I was wearing a suit. What the fuck?

I looked around the room, which most certainly was NOT my bedroom. People were dressed in black and all weepy. I saw Cody all dressed up. _Nice suit, _I thought to myself. _Who died? _I was so cynical, I needed to stop the bad habit.

I tried to lift my head around to see who else was in the room, but for some reason, I couldn't. Just then, something caught my eye. It was a bulletin board, full of various pictures, and the title of it said,

IN LOVING MEMORY OF ZACHARY THOMAS MARTIN

It nearly made my heart stop. But, how could it? _If I was already dead? _Fuck. FUCK no. I didn't want to die. That night, I was out of control, yeah, but DEATH? I'm only fifteen fucking years old. I was failing all my classes, cut myself, did drugs, had no girlfriend, but I could've changed that. All of that. I could've stopped myself from falling more in depression. But I'm dead. I'm gone. Forever. Never will I tease Cody, see Maddie smile, get in trouble with Moseby, ignore mom when she tells me to do my homework. Never will I grow up, get a job, have kids of my own, actually _experience_ life. Because, I fucking ruined my life. Even in death, I'm a failure. Good job Zackary Martin.

Moseby was sobbing, muttering words above my head, about how he'll miss me and such, but I tried to block it out. I didn't want to hear it. Not one bit. He finally left.

Mom came in view over my coffin. Mom. She would think it's all her fault that her child died. As much as she hated my smart mouth, and laziness, I was still her son. And she wouldn't forgive herself. I couldn't listen to what she had to say, it would make me hate myself even more. Tears were streaming down her face, as she finally kissed me on the cheek and whispered, "I love you Zacky," and marched away, still sobbing.

But then, someone else came in front of my coffin, someone a lot harder to block out than Moseby or even Mom. Cody hovered over me. He touched my hand gingerly, with a stoic look on his face. He whispered something that took me aback. _"Fuck you, Zack."_

He stood up abruptly and punched the wall right next to me, as hard as he could and screamed it. "Fuck you Zack!" And then sunk down, crying his eyes out. People turned to watch when he screamed, when he showed his unbridled sorrow, with pitying looks on their faces. No one bothered to reprimand him for his language, but no one comforted him either.

No one hugged him to say it would be alright, or tell him that I didn't mean to die. Cody was still crying, but started talking softly so only I could hear. "Why Zack? Why did you leave us? We were trying to help. We didn't like seeing you so unhappy. But you kept pulling back. Why did you fucking die on me? You _know _I need you. I always looked up to you. You were the older twin, my other half. How am I supposed to live, knowing that my only brother died because he wasn't happy enough here? With me? Shit, I love you so much, please, _don't go_."

Watching Cody, my baby brother, like this was probably the hardest thing I ever did in my entire life. Even though, I'm dead now and this technically isn't part of my life. I couldn't hold him and say that it was an accident. Never again would I be able to wake him up from one of his childish nightmares and make him feel better from it. No one would. He never told mom about them. So now he would wake up crying, with no one to comfort him, knowing the only one that could have made him feel better, left him. And wouldn't be coming back. Even if I wanted to.

Cody started talking again. "I saw… you had FAILURE written on your arm. In cuts. I-I think that would have grossed me out even 2 weeks ago, but I see where you came from, with the cutting. The thought of it doesn't sound that bad anymore."

Panic filled me. Not Cody too. My life is gone, but Cody had so much potential, he had the grades, the girlfriend, he was the nice, sweet twin that people loved. Now I'm destroying OTHER people's lives. I'm SUCH a good person. Sike.

"But that's not what I came to say. I wanted to tell you, you're not a failure. No matter how much you thought it, I never did. You were going through a rough time, but you needed to FUCKING TELL me. So I could help you. Like I know you would've helped me. Mom never saw the word FAILURE on your arm. I covered it up as soon as I saw it. It would've killed her to see that. It nearly broke my heart too. The mess you made, it took forever to clean up. The worst two hours of my life, knowing that you were making that mess that night, killing yourself, while I was losing my virginity to Gloria."

Way to go, squirt. I thought. Once again, outdoing me in everything. I felt horrible about the mess I left in the suite, leaving them to clean it up. Cody sighed, the tears dried up by now.

"Well… I said what I needed to. Fuck you, I hate you, I'm sorry, I'll miss you like shit, I love you as much as humanly possible… and..." he choked on the last word. "Goodbye. Forever."

He closed his eyes slowly and tightly, and opened them again, as if making sure that this was reality and not one of his nightmares**. Nope, it was reality. The worst nightmares always were. **

Many aunts and uncles I've seen twice in my life said how I was such a great kid. As if they knew me at all. They said how polite I was. Liars. I was never polite, unless I was being paid to be. They didn't know me. Why were they even here?

An angel appeared over my head. Finally, I could leave this place of sorrow. But it spoke. "Zack, I never loved Jake."

Oh, of course. It was Maddie Fitzpatrick, just the love of my life that rejected me countless times. I should've known.

"I know, you're thinking that it's a total lie that I really didn't love Jake, but it isn't. It just hurt me SO much to see yet _another_ guy dump me for a better, prettier girl. But then, I realized, that you, YOU never gave up on dating me. You always comforted me, loved me. YOU were the guy I should have been with. At least now that three years isn't such a big difference. But I missed out on my chance. You always helped me, but never once did I help you. I'm sorry, but I need to tell you or else I'll regret it forever. I love you Zachary Martin."

Tears were glistening on her cheeks as she bent down and kissed my cold, lifeless lips. I didn't feel a thing. How I WISHED I could feel Maddie's lips against mine, how I wish I could tell her I loved her too, but it was too late for that now. It was too late for everything.

I lay there numbly as they closed the lid to my coffin and loaded me into the hearse, and finally, brought to my grave, and I vaguely heard the pastor speak some words, that I'm sure meant something important.

I felt my grave being lowered. Taken away from Maddie, Cody, Mom, Moseby, even London. Taken away from everyone who could've helped me. _"I'm sorry"_ I shouted in my mind. Maybe they would hear it. I hoped so.

The coffin hit the ground and I felt dirt being placed on top of me. Once icy tear finally slipped out of my unseeing eyes. This was nothing like life; I found _this_ out too late. Death is nothing like living. Because here, no one can wipe your tears.

**THE END **

**A/N: Okay, so it's not QUITE the ending some of you had in mind. I know, but it's the only one that fit this story. So you'll have to accept it. Another thing you could possibly do is… review? One last time? **

**THANK YOU ALL WHO REVIEWED FOR THIS STORY, AND WILL REVIEW FOR THIS CHAPTER! THEY ENCOURAGED ME SO MUCH! **

**ps. I think I'll miss this story and the wonderful reviews it was such a pain updating and such, but looking back, it's been my fave yet. **


	8. NOTEE

**If you liked this story, PLEASE check out my new story, In Repair... POV of mostly cody this time!**

**If you like angst, THIS IS FOR YOU!**

**And once again, it is rated T for TEEN-- meaning that 12 yr olds can't complain about the content. You are warned. **

**Drugs, language, sex, rape, voilence. It's almost completely finished already. **

**But it has a HAPPY ending. I promise. Unlike this story. :) **

**xoxoKaren**

**PS. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL MY REVIEWERS! UR THE ONLY REASON I POST MY STORIES HERE!**


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